Posts tagged trust
Oh How He Loves Us {learning how God loves me through my children}

I felt compelled today to share with you an entry from my prayer journal that I wrote the day before I had Eisy. At that time I had no idea that my water would break and that he would come into this world a week early. 

As I have struggled with my depression over the past four years by the time I got pregnant with Eisy, 
{which I prayed would just happen if God wanted us to have another} 
I was ready to be done with the whole struggle. The whole thing has really been a journey and process of self discovery, but when I became pregnant again it was a whole new ball game.
I stopped the meds I was on immediately not wanting to hurt the baby and had several episodes in the early weeks of being pregnant with him, not to mention the usual nausea. I felt like I was falling apart, especially when we took a road trip to California for the funeral of my husbands sister. I was determined I needed to do something different, I couldn't keep feeling this way.
I started meeting with a girl recommended to me by a pastor and she just had me share my relationship with the Lord. How I felt about whatever I wanted, needed, to talk to her about. Like a soul care specialist. I met with her maybe a handful of times but it started opening doors to what God was wanting to say, to speak, to reveal.

God invited me to growth, and I was ready, or at least I thought I was.

There is a line in my favorite song by Nichole Nordeman that says 
"'Knock with caution at the door,' they said, 'beware of what you're praying for'"

And you always here that you shouldn't pray for patience because you won't like how God teaches you, but I think that this can apply for praying for anything.

I will glance back at old prayer journals and see what I was praying, and like Beth Moore says, "When we sign our prayers in Jesus name that's powerful, because God gives His baby son what He wants." And especially when you know they are the things God wants to do in us, but they don't always come in nice, cute little packages that we would hope for. 

God asked me to step out, step down, and spend time with Him alone for 6 months.
I was involved in at least three things at my church, but I sensed this form of striving. Striving to fix myself, striving for approval, striving, fighting, losing. I just felt so empty, like I had nothing to give, and this frustrated me and left me feeling even more guilty.

So I stepped away from it all and focused on God and what He wanted to do. My hair was dark, I was gaining weight, I felt crappy and I had no way to "make" myself feel better. Just sit in this.
I could write pages and pages of that time, maybe sometime I will, but the long and short of it is that I had this intense time with the Lord. He revealed things to me and uprooted things, I referred to it as my "dark period." At the same time I felt like the Lord was saying that He was birthing something in me spiritually the same time as I was growing Eisy. That something new would be born with him.

August was the hardest time for me, being my 9th month, that really doesn't need explaining. Especially if you have been pregnant before, it's just the time when you want it all to be over. So it was with my spiritual life. The six months I felt like God has set aside for Him would come to an end at the end of August, and I was scheduled for my c-section on September 3rd. So when I went into labor still in August I thought this was amazing, it coincided with my six months and all.

The whole time was amazing with God, yet I felt uneasy. I felt like I was trying to work for God's approval, for His love. I wanted Him to be proud of me, I wanted to be used by Him again, I wanted to stand in confidence and power but instead I felt like I was cowering in the corner ashamed of myself and ashamed of the guilt I carried with me about my depression, about letting God down, about how weak I was.

This is what He showed me and spoke to me that day before Eisy entered the world.

I was thinking about this too, about how you say we love you because you first loved us, and how you loved me even before I was cognizant of you. Before I tried to tell you I love you or tried to obey you to show you I loved you, you were loving me. Before I had a inkling that you were even there, I had dreams, or prayed-any of that- you loved me. and I understand this being pregnant. Eisy won't really have the capacity to of showing love or even knowing love for some time, but I am not waiting for him to get to that place before I love him. 
I love him even before I've met him, in my tummy. I will love him more when I meet him, see him, smell him and ponder over every intricacy of his little face. How he reflects me, or his daddy, or brother. Love him for all I have yet to see about him, but know I will experience in and with him. And I will feed him, and I will change his diapers, and I will put him to sleep because it's what is best for him-way before he really even understands who I am or can be grateful for anything. 
And we jokingly say, "those boys better appreciate all I went through" in regards to how big they are, how big they made me. But they don't and maybe they never will because they won't ever have to be pregnant, but I do go through this pain I am currently in and currently putting my body through again, because he is worth it, Ashton was worth it, and I...I am worth it to you.
Sometimes I think I may see you as having to love me conditionally, and I know that not even human mothers love is like you or yours. But its not something you decide to do based on how well I understand it or reciprocate it. It's just there, it's just who you are. And I know when Eisy starts smiling, snuggling, or first tells me "I love you mommy" my joy will be full. Even now when Ashton says "I just need you" or "can I just love you" that I love that and it changes my heart towards him if he is being naughty and makes me so proud that he is my son. And we put up with his bad attitudes and are proud when he chooses better, the right way, we still understand his age and that he is learning more day by day.
That is like me too, maybe I am seven but I wish I were fourteen, but I can't get there by wanting it or by being annoyed with myself for not being there yet. I will get there, over time, mistakes and "pressing on". Let this sink deeply into my heart and spirit. I do want you to be pleased with me, I want to be someone you can use, I want to be the kind of person that I would respect and who listens, acknowledges weaknesses and allows you to change her. I know I won't stay seven, just like Eisy won't stay an infant. I know my circustances will change eventually as well- please help me to have the right perspective and continue to trust you. Freaking out about things doesn't change them, so please help me to live in your peace. To remember that your love for me, like my love for my sons, isn't based on how fast they grow up. Actually that maybe you enjoy it, this process of learning, just as much as getting us to the other side.

That God loves us, in the process of growing, just as much as the growth. That actually it all depends on Him and not us, that is the freedom. We are just like these little babies that are loved, we fall down, we learn, we get up, we get hurt, we try again, but never for His love, never for more approval. It's just something we have to go through to get to where we need to be in maturity. There is no such thing as microwave growth.

I think of Eisy now, at 5 months, and the pure joy I get just from looking at him.

I mean come on!
How can you not smile seeing that lil face!!!

And he doesn't have to do anything.

I still do what is best for him, because he doesn't see what is best for him. He doesn't realize that NEVER sleeping is bad for him, and that he is actually really tired.

And so I hold him tight to me, and I sing to him and I rock him hard and he fights me. His eyes are having a hard time staying awake because he is so tired, and he screams and pushes against me and he's mad at me, because how could this be good for him, but it is.

And this is not unlike me, this is not unlike you...

We don't understand why God does things, or doesn't do things that we feel are so important to us. And He knows we don't understand, He is sorry we don't understand, but He still does what is best for us anyways, because He is good. As we grow He gives us more freedom, more expectations from our obedience as we gain more understanding. But I think there are still times, when we need Him to hold us tight, and we fight to break free, and He just whispers
 "Trust Me".