Posts tagged memories
Reflecting on who I want to be....

Over the last week I have been thinking about different times in my life, reminiscing and being nostalgic from my "past life". I found some old blog posts on my Myspace account and decided to bring them over to this blog a little at a time so I can have as many of my older blogs in one place. 

As I read over the things I had written back in 2004-2006 my heart ached for these times gone by. They seemed almost "magical", but isn't that what nostalgia does? Puts a rosy tint on things that you only remember as good.


This time I am referring to is when I lived overseas for a few years in Northern Ireland. It was an adventure, for sure. I am so thankful for this time, but I also remember how very hard and lonely it was as well. The thing about hard times is that they somehow end up defining our lives as well. It was hard to be that far from my family, I moved over there knowing no one...but I ended up having the most amazing experiences, meeting and spending quality time with amazing people, and it changed me...or ruined me, I am not sure which sometimes.

I couldn't sleep this morning. It was a mix of extreme hunger and nerves (thinking about my race) so I just got up, made some coffee and toast and decided to pray.

At the risk of outing myself as a "bad Christian" I prayed for the first time, in a long time. Sure I say little one liner prayers here and there, and I talk to God every now and then in little bursts, but I haven't REALLY prayed in a long while. 


I prefer to pray in a letter form. I started doing this when I was 14 and I have probably 30 journals filled with my prayers to the Lord. It all started with my deep desire for God to know how in love I was with a certain guy, and how sure I was that God needed to allow that to happen...and it just remained my way of communicating with the Lord.

In my current journal I have a lot of things, regular "journal entries", quotes from books, thoughts on things I have been thinking about over the past year, even my weight loss tracking, but not very many prayers. As I have mentioned before I had gotten into a weird place with the Lord, I was half mad at him and had half stopped trusting Him and and was just...tired. Tired, is the best way I can think to describe it.

But today I wrote and wrote and wrote and probably could have written more but my husband got up and so I concluded it. I had a lot more to say to Him then I expected, I felt much more for Him than I remembered and I realized when I told him how much I missed that girl from those blog posts back in 2005, that it wasn't me I missed, it was Him in my life that I missed.

I was so full of....

But I was also very close to the Lord. I know He filled me with these things. I was learning so much all the time and I wanted to share them. I laughed a lot, I saw the joy in the little things, and I was funny! (what happened to that?? ha) I was sure and passionate about the truth and I had an amazing community of people.

And in this journey of training for a marathon and being so close to completing a dream I have had, it has made me begin to think about what I want to do in my life and who I want to be.
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Life has a way of beating the crap out of you sometimes. It's easy to lose hope, lose purpose, lose faith. But I have to remember to have faith like a child. Us "grown ups" become so logical and practical and we forget what it's like to be a little kid...full of wonder, awe, joy...just because we are alive. We become logical, practical, and very reasoning because life is hard, it's not a skip through the tulips all the time...but even in the hardest parts...I would rather still live a life of faith and hope, in the end.

I don't want to give in to apathy, bitterness, sadness and let those things define me rather than faith, hope and love. I am so thankful that the Lord is more understanding than anyone that life sucks sometimes. That He sees our pain and our hurts and is more than patient with our questions and doubts and just....broken hearts...and He allows us time for these things. He is much more gracious to me than I am to myself, and more gracious than how I perceive other to be towards me.

Photo by Alyssa Valleta / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky

I know my life seems to me a bit too much of the same right now, kind of boring, kind of uneventful in comparison to traveling around the world dancing, singing, going on retreats, and whatever made up my life a few years back...but that doesn't mean my life now doesn't have purpose, that God doesn't have a plan in in it, that it's not a vital part of the story.

Photo by Laura Pett / / Design by Lauren Dubinsky

And I think, now that I am coming out of a time of a shriveled and broken heart, that new days are coming. That hard times come into my life, into all our lives, but that is not the end. I want to be full of faith, joy and passion again...because I believe that is who I really am. And I can be that person being a stay at home mom. I can fight for people's hearts and when I can't help their circumstances I can lay down and listen for a while. I can forgive, I can love, I can laugh, I can be vulnerable and these are the things I want.

I want to be full. Full of God, and therefore hope, love, life, laughter...and be so full that I overflow. To rediscover that God loves me intimately, and cares about every little part of my heart and he allows me to heal so I can offer compassion and love to others who are walking through pain in their lives. And I allow Him to heal me to wholeness to be a picture of what brokenness restored can look like.

Photo + Design by Lauren Dubinsky / / Quote by Bob Hamp

I told the Lord that I realize all I lack, but I can no longer focus on all the things I see in me which I despise. Focusing on all my flaws and all the ways I don't measure up and all the ways I feel I am a disappointment has only led me to deeper depression. None of  these things have magically left me, I am still deeply flawed, but I am not going to let myself stew in those parts of me anymore. I am going to focus on how I can make small changes and not be afraid to try and fail if I have to, but try again. Not because I am seeking more approval or love from God, because I know I can do nothing more for Him to love me more lavishly than He already does....but because it's my life and its made up of all the little choices I make every day. 

As the Nichole Nordeman song says "I want to leave a legacy, how will they remember me? Did I choose to love? Did I point to you enough to make a mark on things, I want to leave an offering. Child of mercy and grace who blessed your name, unapologetically. I want to leave a legacy."

Jesus, come watch my show!

Jesus come watch my show...

Current mood:determined
I dont really know what I want to write today just figured I should since I haven't written in a while i have been off for the past week, I dont really like being off sure its good for rest-which I really needed, but it just means being lonely i do have my car but not enough money to buy petrol to go anywhere but i go back to work tomorrow and i am looking forward to that also being off gives you too much time to think, think about things that really dont deserve to be thought about all that much. I found myself getting irratated easily, probably a result of sitting alone in my house by myself. No wonder old people are so grumpy. I guess I have been asking a lot lately if this time in my life will ever end? will my life ever feel full and right and settled? will i ever have a good life? but then I stop and think what am I on about? NO ONE has that life. NO ONE. I think that you just get older and more aware that life is painfully not what you want it to be, because we weren't made for here. I want someone to want to know me, I think I am worth knowing, I think I have a lot to offer someone...anyone. I was watching something today and the person know how when there is someone around and you just feel their love for you. You know, its just unspoken, unconditional, permanant. Yeah I know what she meant. I actually thought about that when I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day. That she wants to talk to me every week...she can't wait...because she loves me. She thinks I'm funny, she wants to know my drama...because she loves me. Thats what family is I suppose, and that goes for all my family...not just her. There are those people in my life...but they all seem so very far away right now. I have also been thinking lately about heaven and about Jesus return. Sometimes I feel like a bad Christiain or something because I really can not wait to get out of here. Whenever I talk about this with people they say-I quite like life, or I still have so many people to talk to Jesus about. Well get on with it then and lets go. I guess, ya I know people still need to know about Him, but HIM Jesus Himself coming!! That beats everything. Or people say-I still havent experienced or done everything I want to...who cares?! Nothing is going to better than heaven and being in Jesus presence. Our view of this is somehow all wrong. I can feel more and more how much I groan for Jesus and wholeness. See how creation groans. So many questions, so much pain...why wouldn't I want to be there now. I suppose things may change in the next 10 years. When I (hopefully) have a husband and kids and whatnot-things to tie me to this earth...but right now, I'm ready. You see when we are with Jesus he will be everything that we have ever longed for. Everything. People think heaven will be so boring, especially if all we do is worship all the time...but see,if we were created to worship wont we fill so fulfilled to be doing the thing we were created to do. Maybe that will be expressed in so many ways, in as many different ways as we have been created. And to laugh, laugh so hard it hurts..all the time. To have that feeling that you felt when it was Christmas eve and you were 5 and Santa was as real as your dad and you were so excited to see what he brought you, or watching a sunset over the ocean, or watching your favorite team win the biggest game of the year-feeling that all the time. My friend Brittany and I have made a plan-that we will be amazing singers when we get to heaven. we are going to put on a show for Jesus and He will come watch us and love every minute of it. But the thing I am most excited about is being with Jesus...because I won't feel like I am missing anything...i really will be whole. And lets face it-Hes the perfect man. I dont know exactly what it will be like...but I know it will be wonderful and that is why I cant wait till it happens. And also-have you ever thought about the fact that what we go through here could be preparing us for what we will be or do in heaven. Me personally, I hope that with all this fighting I am learning to do-that I will be on the back of a white horse behind Jesus coming to kick the Enemys ass for good. Sometimes, well -a lot of times...I'm just tired of fighting...but if I have learned anything I have to keep fighting...keep telling myself the truth. That God is good, what He does is good, and I can trust Him even when things dont make sense. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. We say we are people of faith we say we are "Believers" when am I going to live up to that God is who He says He is!

The Whys??

So Andy and I broke up on Thursday.
To be honest it was hard the whole time.
The thing is that I didn't want another boyfriend to add to my x-boyfriend list, another one to add to the guys I have kissed...yet that is what he now is.
I know I learned things,  I know he learned things...thats all well and good...
but what I ask now is Why?
Why Lord when this is the last thing I ever wanted?
Why when I prayed so much about it?
Why did I think it was so right?
Why would you allow it to happen at all when I am so done with that meaninglessness?
Why a friendship now forever ruined?
Why do I feel used?
Why did I let myself?
Why didn't you protect me?
Why didn't he think about my heart?
Why didn't I think about what I was getting myself into?
Why do I find it hard to hope that there will ever be an end to this waiting, to this game, to this time when no one wants to seem to fight for me....
even when they say they do.
To be honest I am ok. I see that it wasn't good. I am relieved that its not "it" because that means it can only be better than what it was.
It wasn't that long and for that I am greatful.
There weren't that many good memories to be missed.
I have questions for a friend who seemingly used my heart....
but my bigger questions are for my God who allowed me to believe it was a gift from him, a blessing from him...why would He give it and then take it again?
But then...he gives and takes away...blessed be His name.
I trust Him...I do...I know He is is just my frustration day.
Who knows whats around the corner, my hope is in HIM!