Who are you? What makes you unique? Why are you here?
So, call it the existential questions of all time if you will. Stuff that most mom or beauty blogs are not necessarily made of, but I have been thinking this over a bit.
Am I have a pre-midlife crisis? I doubt it.
But I am coming to realize that I am not completely sure who I am or maybe who I want to be.
I know that most people who pop by this blog are bloggers themselves.
So, tell me, what drives you to write what you do on your blogs?
Those of you who have successful blogs or the blogs you admire?
What do you suppose drives them?
I think for most of my life, being the oldest child and people-pleaser that I am, that I have figured out what is expected of me from most people. I am quite needy for acceptance, I have found (I hate admitting that) and so I have made myself "easy" to accept. And so my first question to myself in making decisions is not always that easy for me. I view myself through other peoples eyes, and not my own. Does that make any sense?
Recently I have been realizing that my acceptance is chained to people, which makes ME chained to them. Keeping everyone happy has become a sort of self appointed job. And then when I fail at that, I consider myself a failure. I have a hard time setting goals or even figuring out what I really want at all because I don't consider my opinion as important as someone else's. This is ludicrous when you write it out like that. But I am starting to see that it is true, and my reaction to that is anger many times. I want to get angry at the people I am chained to, even though I am the one who walked up to them and locked my handcuffs to them myself. I think I need someone to direct my anger towards, because certainly I can not be that disconnected, that separate from myself. Certainly the bully that rages in my head, beating me with the idea that I should never step out into something risky, possibly success or beauty inducing, because I might fail, or worse, become proud. I must stay in my place, you see. Certainly this is something I can change if it dwells inside me. And I know I can, I just need to give myself time to hash it out, to process it, to recognize who I am apart from keeping people happy or doing what is always expected. Like I am working for love, earning that paycheck of acceptance.
I was looking at a few ideas online about having a "life theme". That if you can figure out what your life theme is then you don't waist time running around doing a bunch of wrong things. This was why I could never decide on what I want to study in college, and when I consider going back, I have this fear that I will use so much time and money on something I really don't want to do in the long run. I know I want to do something, but I can't really pinpoint what that is. So my current goal is to get a goal.
I also found this list that you can fill out that helps you figure out your life theme. I won't get into all that right now but basically I think I have a passion to help people in some way. Because of the things I have been through I have a desire to let people know they are not alone, that their life and story matters, that in fact, being a human being is hard, for everyone. And that this is a journey we are on, and that they are not a lost cause because they haven't figure it out yet and reached this mystical destination.
But how does this translate into blogging or a job or a degree? I am not completely sure.
What I do know is that this is where the hard work is.
It's easy to just go through life ignoring things that need to be worked through, figured out, dug up.
I want to figure out what makes me come alive, what makes me tick, bring joy and is truly my bliss.
Being a mother is certainly part of that, but I am not afraid to tell you, that it is not the only thing either.