I dont really know what I want to write today just figured I should since I haven't written in a while i have been off for the past week, I dont really like being off sure its good for rest-which I really needed, but it just means being lonely i do have my car but not enough money to buy petrol to go anywhere but i go back to work tomorrow and i am looking forward to that also being off gives you too much time to think, think about things that really dont deserve to be thought about all that much. I found myself getting irratated easily, probably a result of sitting alone in my house by myself. No wonder old people are so grumpy. I guess I have been asking a lot lately if this time in my life will ever end? will my life ever feel full and right and settled? will i ever have a good life? but then I stop and think what am I on about? NO ONE has that life. NO ONE. I think that you just get older and more aware that life is painfully not what you want it to be, because we weren't made for here. I want someone to want to know me, I think I am worth knowing, I think I have a lot to offer someone...anyone. I was watching something today and the person said...you know how when there is someone around and you just feel their love for you. You know, its just unspoken, unconditional, permanant. Yeah I know what she meant. I actually thought about that when I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day. That she wants to talk to me every week...she can't wait...because she loves me. She thinks I'm funny, she wants to know my drama...because she loves me. Thats what family is I suppose, and that goes for all my family...not just her. There are those people in my life...but they all seem so very far away right now. I have also been thinking lately about heaven and about Jesus return. Sometimes I feel like a bad Christiain or something because I really can not wait to get out of here. Whenever I talk about this with people they say-I quite like life, or I still have so many people to talk to Jesus about. Well get on with it then and lets go. I guess, ya I know people still need to know about Him, but HIM Jesus Himself coming!! That beats everything. Or people say-I still havent experienced or done everything I want to...who cares?! Nothing is going to better than heaven and being in Jesus presence. Our view of this is somehow all wrong. I can feel more and more how much I groan for Jesus and wholeness. See how creation groans. So many questions, so much pain...why wouldn't I want to be there now. I suppose things may change in the next 10 years. When I (hopefully) have a husband and kids and whatnot-things to tie me to this earth...but right now, I'm ready. You see when we are with Jesus he will be everything that we have ever longed for. Everything. People think heaven will be so boring, especially if all we do is worship all the time...but see,if we were created to worship wont we fill so fulfilled to be doing the thing we were created to do. Maybe that will be expressed in so many ways, in as many different ways as we have been created. And to laugh, laugh so hard it hurts..all the time. To have that feeling that you felt when it was Christmas eve and you were 5 and Santa was as real as your dad and you were so excited to see what he brought you, or watching a sunset over the ocean, or watching your favorite team win the biggest game of the year-feeling that all the time. My friend Brittany and I have made a plan-that we will be amazing singers when we get to heaven. we are going to put on a show for Jesus and He will come watch us and love every minute of it. But the thing I am most excited about is being with Jesus...because I won't feel like I am missing anything...i really will be whole. And lets face it-Hes the perfect man. I dont know exactly what it will be like...but I know it will be wonderful and that is why I cant wait till it happens. And also-have you ever thought about the fact that what we go through here could be preparing us for what we will be or do in heaven. Me personally, I hope that with all this fighting I am learning to do-that I will be on the back of a white horse behind Jesus coming to kick the Enemys ass for good. Sometimes, well -a lot of times...I'm just tired of fighting...but if I have learned anything I have to keep fighting...keep telling myself the truth. That God is good, what He does is good, and I can trust Him even when things dont make sense. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. We say we are people of faith we say we are "Believers" when am I going to live up to that name....my God is who He says He is!
To be honest my heart is great. The stuff about Andy, if I am completley honest feels like it never happened. I think thats just God. God can use whatever he wants in my life, because he's God...and He knows. But I am so greatful for that. The thing is that I have a great feeling of anticipation. Anticipation for this year coming, not so much about the guy stuff cause I really couldn't be bothered worrying or annalyzing things too much with that...but just with Axiom. I just really feel God has asked me to believe in myself and all of the sudden other people seem to really be believing in me too. I feel so blessed. God is good! My heart hopes in Him!
20 years ago I...
(1985) 1.)I was 4 years old 2.)
10 years ago I.... (1995)
I was in 8th grade. 2.) I had a crush on a boy who didnt know I was alive,wow things have changed so much...haha 3.)I wanted to be a wife and a mom 4.)played softball and got extremley good at spitting sunflower seed shells. Attractive huh?
5 years ago I... (2000)
1. had left university and was working at a coffee shop-myfirst job 2.) i got fired from that job because i supposedly called my boss an F*ing B*, that never happened and it devistated me
1. I started that year in Serbia, not many can say that I guess 2. Went on a road trip that summer in 10 days all across the good ol US of A! It was amazing, Granda Canyon to Niagra Falls and all the in between. 3. Moved to Fremont Cali with my friend Rachel for three months and worked at Starbucks 4.Moved home and had a short lived romance with a guy with strange hands...I am a hands girl.
1.Was partly on Y1 and the other part was starting LIT with YFC. hows that for a bunch of letters for ya? 2.hard year, lonley year, amazing year...wouldnt change a thing 3. Sang in one of the songs on Axiom-down with that, who wudda thought?
(2005) 1.Started Believing God series by Beth Moore 2. went to Denmark with Axiom, funniest 2 weeks I've had in a long time 3. finished first year of LIT, started the 2nd. Got a boyfriend, he had ok hands....broke up with the boyfriend...not over the hands.
1.Taught a dance I choreographed...my life seems pretty cool 2. did a session on Truth and Believing God-mad props to Beth 3.Visited kristin who is on Y1 and lives across the street from Axiom in Warringstown
1.Listened to I'm Yours the remix about 300 times 2.Talked with Suzi about secret suprises to come, maybe new holidays to be invented, haha..this is work i promise3.Wrote out a beattitude on a banner and it ended up saying..Blessed are the merciful for the will mercy...i thought no one would notice.
Tomorrow I will...
1.learn a dance by the incredible teacher Mark Cunningham 2.have a great talk with my great friend laura 3. think about my friend James birthday party that I cant go to because my car is broken
Next year I will be...
1.possibly moving back to Cali after 3 years, what? 2. hopefully be pursuing being a speaker 3.know the man i will marry...haha, stop its not a joke 4.Love God & His word more than I do right now!
So Andy and I broke up on Thursday.
To be honest it was hard the whole time.
The thing is that I didn't want another boyfriend to add to my x-boyfriend list, another one to add to the guys I have kissed...yet that is what he now is.
I know I learned things, I know he learned things...thats all well and good...
but what I ask now is Why?
Why Lord when this is the last thing I ever wanted?
Why when I prayed so much about it?
Why did I think it was so right?
Why would you allow it to happen at all when I am so done with that meaninglessness?
Why a friendship now forever ruined?
Why do I feel used?
Why did I let myself?
Why didn't you protect me?
Why didn't he think about my heart?
Why didn't I think about what I was getting myself into?
Why do I find it hard to hope that there will ever be an end to this waiting, to this game, to this time when no one wants to seem to fight for me....
even when they say they do.
To be honest I am ok. I see that it wasn't good. I am relieved that its not "it" because that means it can only be better than what it was.
It wasn't that long and for that I am greatful.
There weren't that many good memories to be missed.
I have questions for a friend who seemingly used my heart....
but my bigger questions are for my God who allowed me to believe it was a gift from him, a blessing from him...why would He give it and then take it again?
But then...he gives and takes away...blessed be His name.
I trust Him...I do...I know He is good...today is just my frustration day.
Who knows whats around the corner, my hope is in HIM!