Since I can remember, I have always been the women who just wasn’t enough, always overlooked and had to fight for it all. I have always seen everything, as too far gone. Maybe you can relate, or maybe not. I have always been the one to feel everything really big, you know- the really emotional girl. Like I could walk into a room, and feel the tension and heaviness, and or also the peace and joy. As a child and even some as an adult, someone's words to me were either the best of things or earth-shattering. I would be moved and rocked to the core by the rejection of someone and would keep allowing again and again, to be belittled and mistreated.
I am also the women, that laughs too loud, can be seen tripping and falling over my own two feet, and spilling her coffee on herself almost, every day of the week – no matter how hard I try. So you can see, how my list of insecurities accumulated throughout the years, as I’m sure yours did too.
As I grew, life only added to the weight of my junk, sin, and mess to all of my insecurities. But it wasn’t just that, it was the fact that, the more I looked for affirmation and acceptance, the more I got cold and harsh words, and back to back experiences that changed the course of my life forever. That narrative had played in my life since I can remember- you are just too much, not enough, and don’t belong.
Belonging was always a fight, a power struggle, and never felt safe. It was never about being my self or being at peace. It was about just being enough, to fit in. All our heavy and broken souls sometimes feel like it’s all just too much, and or too far gone.
Gosh, the burden was heavy. I was sinking deep, in depression, in my brokenness. And I hid and ran.
Years had gone by, and I found my self, a grown woman, mother of two, more broken-hearted than ever. Not because something had happened, but because as the years went on, my hope to ever feeling like I had a home, drifted with it.
I had a conversation with a good friend- that lead me to say words that I thought I had already dealt with – “I think God thinks I’m too broken and don’t think he’ll ever really bless me because of it- because there is so much work to do. Why would he fight for me? It’s all too broken, I don’t have a place of belonging anyways.”
As if I had to be perfect, and put together to really come to the cross. I had forgotten, that he wants us to come as we are, not so that we can stay the same, but so that he can make us new.
As if the world was the giver or originator of my belonging.
I got really good at that- Hiding my broken pieces had become one of my best talents. Hide the pain and mess, put away the worst parts. Put on a face, for the crowds. Make sure that everyone looking in sees peace, and put-togetherness.
I had believed the lie, that all of my sin and mess had to be cleaned up before anyone would ever love me. Especially, that the God of the universe could choose to accept me and use me, the broken girl. That I would never, ever belong here. That surely, I would be better off, gone.
It was all too much. And I became accustomed to that feeling, that lifestyle. We all want to belong, we all want to feel loved, accepted, and seen as enough. We want to feel valued. And here’s the thing, we were created to feel this way, to be in need- but in need of Him, not them. Our desires and heartbeat for love, is there to be filled by the one gave it all for us.
But, throughout the years- He showed me that we don’t have to ever allow our feelings to take us back to that place, where the love of Christ didn’t dwell. See, faith is followed by a verb- faith without works is dead. We choose it, by faith. To believe who He says we are in Him.
Our identity is found in Him, our belonging is with Him.
If we knew, just how much God loved us- if we really understand how deep and how wide His love was – we would know, to fight those thoughts in Jesus Name. We would see them and know where they are from, and how God has said and called us the complete opposite.
There’s a pattern to see in all of this, those who don’t feel like they are enough, usually don’t feel like they belong, or are enough, or vice versa.
It all comes down to who we believe we are.
And if we don’t know who He is, then we won’t ever know who we really are.
God, in His faithful and relentless pursuit, is and was after my broken and weary heart. He was after me, just as He is after you. To rescue us, give us new life, and send us off to tell others, of this incredible God who saved us about the Good news of our new home, the home that was ours from the moment Jesus died on the cross. Where I belonged, where we belong.
We have a job to do, with our words and our hearts, to love on those around us. To make sure we are building up, not tearing down. Telling them, reminding them, that they have a home.
Where He longes for all of His children to be.
God is gentle and faithful and good, and He would never give up on us. He says in Luke 15:4 "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn't he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?”
He leaves the 99 for the one 1. We are the one, the one that drifted off and felt forgotten and misunderstood. We are the one, the unbeliever that was pursued by a God who whispered to our weary and heavy hearts- "daughter, you were fearfully and wonderfully made."
Let’s remember sisters, that the God of the Universe values us, so much so that He sent His Son Jesus, to wipe clean the sin, the crimson stain, and leave us white as snow. Clean, with a new home. What a gift.
And also remember, you’re a warrior, and not because you have fought the best fights- but because you are allowing God to fight them for you, and have said yes time and time again, to Him. Because you have overcome adversity, grief, and pain, and have chosen to get back up- because in our weakest His power is made perfect, and we choose to believe that in the worst of days, in the worst of times.
You are Victorious- daughter of the King of Kings, and you have a home.
A home where you are valued and loved more than you will ever know-
In His arms.