The Burden of Being Broken: The Beginning of Brokenness Pt 1

11:05 PM




This is my story of struggling with my mental health. I share it because for so long I thought I was the only one, I thought I was broken, I thought I just wasn't strong enough and I felt helpless and hopeless. Depression, anxiety and other mood disorders aren't talked about openly enough in general, let alone in Christian circles. I share so that if you or someone you love is walking, has walked or may someday walk through this, you can know you are not alone, that God is there, and that there is hope.

To put words to a mixture of feelings that in many ways you can not control is a somewhat enormous task. The truth is, through many of these years I felt completely out of control of what was constantly bombarding my mind and feelings and yet ashamed of myself for being so, all at the same time. I will be including old blog posts, that I wrote here, during that time, to reflect the anguish that I was in during those years and want to be as honest as possible about how difficult it was. Yet after God let me break into a million pieces, He slowly began to put me back together, one small step of trusting Him at a time.

Thank you, if you are reading this, for being willing to walk through this processing with me. If you ever need to talk about this topic with me, please email me. You are not alone.

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THE BEGINNING OF BROKENNESS PT1


This is what I had been waiting and wanting all my life. All throughout my early 20's, not to mention most of my teens if I am honest, I was on the search for Mr. Right. After going on long term mission trips and searching for my foreign prince, God brought the man I would marry right to my home church where I had grown up.


  In our late 20's, we were certain we had found what we were looking for in each other and felt so blessed to have found one another. Immediately recognizing this gift from God, we were ready to move quickly. With the blessing and encouragement from our family, friends and pastors we were married within eight months. It was pure bliss, blessing and amazement. The whole process of planning the wedding and enjoying being engaged was wonderful, but it didn't take long before all this I had been anticipating all my life wouldn't turn out to be the answer to finding wholeness as I had dreamed it might be.

   One might venture to guess that we fought and our marriage struggled, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. We were happy and life was wonderful, albeit it real, with all the bills, grocery shopping and cleaning you sort of leave out of the romantic fantasy of marriage. No, the problem was not in our marriage or between the two of us. The problem was lying deep within me, an identity crisis waiting to happen. I was clueless of the weeks, months and years that lie ahead of me that would challenge me in every conceivable way.



Only four months after we were married I found out that I was pregnant. Being married was in my dream for the future but anything after that I had never thought about. I only knew who I was as a single girl, let alone a wife, and now, before I felt ready, a mom.

  During my pregnancy, as I continued to work, my world seemed to be shifting beneath me and I was at a loss to control it.  I had always been great at telling myself how I should respond to things in the most godly way I knew how.  I had grown up in the church, attending, well, everything and attending a Christian school as well. It was a blessing and I was deeply and profoundly shaped by those formative years. Yet at the same time, having all that knowledge, all that training, and experience being a Christian I really had high expectations of myself. I knew the "right way" to do things. I  had been a leader, people came to me for advice, leadership, tasks. I was one of the go-to girls. I went to all the camps, went on all the mission trips and then became a missionary myself. I thought if I knew anything it was how to act, and think and be a Christian.

Things at work started getting tense and hurtful. Instead of allowing myself to work through those feelings I told myself I shouldn't feel them and that only compounded the frustration and it came out in explosive anger. What I didn't realize was that who I had always been was being ripped out of my hands and because my identity was tied up tightly in what I did for the Lord, I was unraveling fast. New people in leadership meant I wasn't automatically trusted and instead felt pushed aside. The resentment rose and then when I began feeling misunderstood on top of it, the weight started crushing me. 

I was the ministry girl,  the church girl, the godly girl, the one who people asked to lead the small group, do the painting, run the event. 

 Now I was a wife and soon to be mother, and no one seemed to really want me around in ministry. Soon enough I had quit my job and was preparing to become a full time stay at home mom. Little did I know that the stage was set for the perfect storm.

To be continued...

READ PART 2 HERE



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1 Thank you for your thoughts

  1. I just stopped by, but only read a few lines of your story. But I'll be back to read the rest. I love your writing style!
    Cynthia

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