A couple Thursdays ago was the strangest day emotionally I have had in a long time, and let's face it, I've had some days. That morning I found out a project I had been working on for months was not done in the right way so I had to redo the entire thing over the weekend; stress and pressure. Later Daniel went to his final interview, I believe it was the 5th one, and we waited with anticipation as later on they called and said he had passed that and had one more to go, excitement and hope. In the evening Daniel received a group family call to discuss taking his father off of life support, grief, deep sadness and some frustration. Talk about a range of emotions all stuffed into one day.
The few days that followed that were much the same. I had to work from the time I woke up till the time I went to sleep on that book project all the while Daniel getting word that he was officially offered the job and sadly by the end of the weekend that his dad had passed away.
It is in days like these that you kind of just float, more just existing until you get to the next day. It's hard for me to even put words around it to explain. All the while I do feel the Lord speaking to me.
Watching Daniel, whom I love so much, have to grieve someone so dear to them is a new page for us as a married couple. Daniel is always my rock as I am the one usually having the emotional struggles, now the table is turned and I must be his rock. I can't pretend to understand something I have never experienced, I can't tell him what to feel or how to be or even expect him to always be the man I have been married to for nearly 6 years. I suppose when something like this happens, when someone loses like this, a part of their heart is broken forever and a part of them dies with that person and its only about letting time allow them to live again in a different way, a new normal.
I am the one that says how I feel, why I write this blog, but it is so different with Daniel. He is the strong silent type. He actually told me the day his dad died that he had to make a choice; to lay in the bed under the covers and grieve that way, or get up and live, and that he chose the latter. I have no idea how I will react when this is my situation but I would venture to guess I would choose crying under my covers, at least for a while.
Sometimes I just see him staring off into the distance and I can almost see him thinking of his dad and the memories playing across his mind. How unreal it feels, how impossible it feels, how lonely it is to be away from his mom and siblings. The hardest part about watching grief is not having any comfort to offer, no real way to bring them that relief that you so want to bring. I just know I don't want him to feel like he has to walk through it alone, that we all go on and the world keeps spinning while he just wants it to stop and feel as broken as his heart does.
We will go out for the funeral next week and I am so glad he will be able to be with his family and grieve along side of them. They can offer something to him through this time that I simply can't because I haven't been there for every corny joke, for every Christmas memory, for every football game and reggae dance in the kitchen. I think sometimes it's these most ordinary of moments that we miss the most, because they just made that person who they were. And his 7 siblings, they know all those little moments that they already miss so much.
These are the days you talk about the moment you get married, the ones that are so far from your mind and the days that seem like they won't come for so very long. The days that are the worst, the days that are sick, the days poor, the days when all you can say is "are you ok?" It's almost as if in some ways I feel like I have a chance, as much as I fail at it, to love him back and hold him up just a little for all the times he has for me. It helps me know the feeling of what its like to care so much but not have any solid solutions.
One moment at a time, one day at a time, and when the weeks and months pass and when it still might feel just as hard as the first day, still being there and being sad and broken and lost without him, it's still OK.
, by Ashley Jackson