It's been a long while now since I wrote a "personal" post on here. I am not sure why except facing what I really feel and putting it down in words is sometimes harder to sit down and do than just doing something that doesn't take as much heart. But tonight, in the middle of the night, I can't sleep so I thought maybe at least it would be cathartic for me to write....
Things are are hard for us right now, financially, and if you are a woman you may know that means things are just plain...hard. I numb my mind all day looking through want ads hoping to find hope, the answer. We can't afford to live where we are living anymore and it makes me sad because I really love it here, and even sadder that anywhere we can afford doesn't seem so appealing. So if I am not looking for jobs, for myself or a new one for my husband, I am looking for a new apartment, and maybe some hope.
I know I need to do something to help financially, but I just feel stuck. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 2.5 years and stopped working even before he was born. I realize this has been a blessing, but I also feel as though I now have nothing of value to offer in the way of helping our family financially. I feel like I want God to come in and help us, and I just don't see His help, and that makes me sad and frustrated with Him too. Being in a place where you don't have enough to pay your bills is a very insecure place to be, and I need some hope, I need to see rescue coming our way, I need some relief.
I know it's not on Craigslist, but I keep looking there, like it will be.
And your not supposed to talk about my finances, were all supposed to be pretentious and let everyone think we're fine, or most likely its our pride... because I don't want anyone to know my son has outgrown his shoes and I can't afford to buy him new ones or have enough gas to exchange the ones someone else has bought him for us. It's humiliating....
And maybe that's the real issue, that I am humiliated that we can't live an American life whilst living in America. And I know people do it every day, or people just choose to live beyond their means in order not to be humiliated. But it's a matter of pride when we can't go out to coffee with friends because we don't have money for it, because we actually have to buy bread instead.
And its humiliating to write this post because someone I know will offer to take me to coffee or give us grocery money, but that doesn't change the problem, that doesn't give me hope, that doesn't resolve the fact that it will be more of the same thing next week.
And my heart hurts, it hurts more about it then I want to admit, until tonight...at 2:13 in the morning when I can't sleep and feel a desperation to do something but so helpless to do anything. I think more than anything else, is that I feel like the Lord isn't helping us. And yes, self, I know there are far much worse off people than us, but it doesn't change the fact that it's still hard and it still hurts...and I'm still scared, and I am still mad and frustrated, and worried, and feel like there is a weight on my chest that prevents me from breathing.
And in the middle of all this, I am supposed to be trying to at least think about wanting to get pregnant again, yet how can I? How am I supposed to think about becoming a mom again when I just need to find away to buy new shoes for the son i already have, not be given them. And when are things going to get better, because I just feel like it has been one hard thing after another for so very long.
And I know life isn't meant to be a walk in the park, and I know its not easy for anyone...and I know, that I know that I know all the right answers and encouraging things to tell myself as I would tell someone else, but all I can think are the words from a Nichole Nordeman song....
"but i will not be setting out a fleece for you tonight
just wanna know that everything will be alright...
oh great God, be close enough to feel you now
all praise and all honor be
to the God of ancient mysteries
whose every sign and wonder turn the pages of our history ...
but tonight my heart is heavy
and i cannot keep from whispering this prayer
"are you there?"
, by Ashley Jackson