I want to first of all write to all of you who left me comments and wrote me personal emails encouraging me where I am at and what I am going through. It does help to know I am not alone in this, that some of you have gone through things like this and how you were helped, how you walked through it. What a blessing you are to me in the time that you took out to encourage a person you have never met. I appreciate you all so much.
Thank you to my family and friends who read this who have reached out to me. There is something powerful in knowing someone cares, even when they can’t fix it.
Maybe some of you have never dealt with this depression issue before. Maybe you think it’s a ploy for attention, maybe you think its all mind over matter, or maybe you just don’t have the slightest clue what it feels like, but want to help those you love who are struggling.
I want to share with you what depression feels like, at least to me.
I’m edgy: I feel like the world is against me, I feel like I might break down if someone looks at me the wrong way, no matter where I am or what I am doing. I took my son to the park this morning to play and accidentally pulled out in front of some guy, immediately making gestures of apology. He of course cursed at me, scowled and drove aggressively past. In one instant I both wanted to follow him into the parking lot and tell him off and cry all at the same time. I did neither and went on to the park.
I’m tired: I feel like I am moving in slow motion, it takes great effort to want to get myself ready. I would love to sleep, but I have a son that does not allow for that.
I’m overwhelmed: everything feels like a huge chore that I really can not do. Everything feels harder than it should.
I feel anxious: anxious about my ability to function, think straight, handle things. Going to the mall with my son gives me very high anxiety. I think he is in this testing, active phase where he wants to throw fits and I already feel so tired. Nothing about going out sounds fun to me. I
still try and do it, but not as much as I might like.
I’m emotional: if I talk about this stuff at all, or think about it even, I am usually crying.
I’m lonely: I feel like a million thoughts are trapped in and running around in my head that I can not talk about, there are just too many of them. I don’t want to ask people to give me hours of their time to listen to me verbally process my junk, that is just unfair. But then it makes me sad that people can’t or don’t want to. I really want to start seeing a therapist for this very reason.
I’m weak/paralyzed: I have nothing to give, I feel like a blob or nothingness, or like I don’t have muscle or something. I feel like when I sometimes cry to myself at night all I can think to say is “help me”.
I’m needy: I need people, I need them really bad in my life right now. I hate being needy, I am the one that usually help, but I am truly at the end of myself. I used to think that I could choose to be better, and how I have tried, but I can not. I need people who know me especially to speak truth to me and fight for my heart, because I lost it.
I’m lost: I know who I used to be, but I lost her and in her place is some girl/woman who I do not like at all.
I am all these things, and I know what is supposed to work to make you “get better” just DO more of this, just DON’T do that. But there is a difference between knowing what your supposed to do and judging yourself when you either don’t do it or feel like you can’t.
My friend who is a psychologist came over yesterday to help me find a doctor. I now need to go through her referrals and figure out who I should go to and when I can go to them. I know now more than ever that I need to do that.
So what can anyone do to help someone who is going through something like this?
Pray, ask questions, spend time, listen, listen, listen.
I think I am coming to some sort of pinnacle with all of this. I didn’t want to name it for the past year, I didn’t want to admit that I needed help, I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t make myself feel better and now this is me, being honest and reaching out, because I need that.
The reason I share all this?
Because maybe then someone new who is reading this won’t feel so alone. Maybe so then someone you know who is sad, you can see a way you might help? Mostly because this is my blog, this a way to record my journey. A journey that I presume will lead to hope and betterment again, but the pain and struggle are a part of me right now, and I would only be a liar if I didn’t share it all.
Please be patient with me if you are waiting on design or emails, I am trying to stay on top of things as much as possible.
Thank you for all being so great!!
Thank you for all being so great!!
, by Ashley Jackson