Heart Therapy: Insecurities

9:58 AM

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Welcome to
Heart Therapy:

Where we share what we are walking through.
{Like group bloggy therapy}

Check out past posts through the button in the sidebar.

I will give a writing prompt that you can spin off of, or just share something you have been feeling or thinking about, or something you are learning or going through. Time to do something that will help your heart. Something I believe we neglect all too often. 

 This week we are talking about our insecurities. As I type this I am still not sure what I will share, but here goes nothing.

The truth is, I am pretty secure about many things. I have been confident most of my life, at least to the outside person. People have told me I am intimidating when they first meet me, perhaps because at my core I am a bit shy. But no one escapes this world without insecurities, usually a pile of them, no matter how people perceive them.

I will share my most prevalent although I am sure I have more. The first is what people think about me. It's less about what strangers think about me, or even how people I know might perceive me, but the real kicker is when people MIS-UNDERSTAND me! I have such a hard time with this. When people see me as something I do no see myself as, they have gotten the wrong impression about me, they refuse to see my heart and rather judge me. These situations have bothered me to no end and I fear it. Usually I over explain myself, I do pre-emptive strikes in order that this doesn't take place. I pre-think of every possible thing they could think wrongly about me and then correct that before it's "too late". The problem with this is that people will no doubt mis-understand me, or even dislike me .... GASP! That is the way of life, not everyone is going to like us. Some people don't even need a reason, some people have plenty. But I don't want to live my life fearing this and being defined by it.

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My other HUGE insecurity is my body. I know many of us struggle with this, and I feel its been there my entire life. When I look back on years growing up I was average in size, but I always felt huge! Being overweight and body obsessed is a strong family trait, my grandmother struggled, my mom has struggled, I now struggle. There was always so much emphasis on it. I think I went on my first diet when I was 12, maybe 10? I didn't last long on it because I remember I wanted a Slurpee, and this started a long legacy that continues to this day.

All growing up I believed that I would never be loved by a man unless I was skinny. For the most part this was confirmed by my experience as well. So all my life I felt I was undeserving of love because of the size of my pants. I can't lie, I still feel this way. Part of me rebels violently against this. I want to be loved for who I am, not what I look like and I feel like I want people to prove that they will because I am in no way the weight I would like to be.

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I lost a bunch of weight before I met my husband, funnily enough, and was the smallest I ever was as an adult. Of course by the time we got married I was probably another 15 lbs heavier. It was a battle for me to believe what he said about me, surely there was a skinnier girl elsewhere that he would rather be with. But it was through my husbands love that part of those lies have been chipped away. I know he really does love me for me, but isn't it interesting that this doesn't quite these screaming insecurities!

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Whenever anyone makes a fat joke about anyone, I take it personally. They may as well be saying it about me. I currently hate shopping for clothes, and further, I hate wearing the clothes I have. When I was pregnant, oh don't even get me started! In a thought world where only skinny is beauty, a big, swollen, acne covered balloon of a woman really doesn't deserve much. "Please don't look at me" was all I could think, but when you are pregnant its like a free pass for people to comment on your body endlessly. Worse you can do nothing about it at the time. Awesome.

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The thing is, I don't want to be loved conditionally and this insecurity drives me to self-destruction. I am not hurting those I want to love me for me and not my jean size, I am hurting myself only making that insecurity worse. Food has been a faithful friend, a constant when life is quite unstable, when I feel my love must be earned by trying harder to fit into society, food is there to say..I will make you feel better.

Some people struggle with being small, too skinny, turning to drugs or alcohol to numb their lives past or present problems. Food, is my drug of choice. It was something to look forward to when I felt life was hopeless, it was something to help me celebrate when life was looking better,  it was something to distract me when I didn't want to face what was really going on.

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Why am I sharing all this with you? Maybe because I am not the only one, but more importantly, I want to change. Will I always struggle with body image no matter what my weight, yea probably. But I do not want to live my life defined by my insecurities, rather they are something that I have to combat. I don't want to see myself as that fat insecure girl.

I was made for more than that.

I am reading "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkeurst and she repeats this constantly. We were made to be more than our insecurities, we were made to overcome them and be strong women who are not perfect but are also not held captive by what others think or their own wrong thinking about themselves.

I am made for more than this, and so are you.

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So, it will be a struggle one step at a time. I plan on 
asking for lots of help from the Lord. And I am asking for your support as well. Being vulnerable about this insecurity of mine is very scary to me, but no doubt this is not something I deal with secretly. I wear this problem all over my body. I do not want to be held captive by the shame, the failure, the fill in the blank..anymore. 

I want to be free.

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What do you want to be free from?

Your turn to share....

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5 Thank you for your thoughts

  1. I am really looking forward to linking up. Ashley! How beautiful are you for opening up and your vulnerability is just a gift, thank you thank you for all of it, honestly I was so moved and can relate to so much in this post. I have had eating disorders, and depression, and I've been bound to so many things, but the one thing THE ONE that keeps it all into perspective is Jesus. Because it's as simple as I AM DEFINED SOLELY BY HIM AND I AM MADE PERFECTLY IN HIS EYES. No matter if the world tells me I'm too short, my teeth are crooked, or I'm not pretty enough--holds NO WATER. The only one that has a say is THEE ONE. Have you ever heard the Kirk Franklin song Imagine Me? It totally reminds me of your post, it's a million dollar song, it's helped me SO MUCH:

  2. wow what a beautiful and real post. thanks so much for putting it all out there. It was encorarging to me and I know it will be to so many others too. And this is a great prompt too, to explore and reflect what God needs to give me freedom in. Im hoping to link up this week (im new to your linky!). Thanks for sharing! :)

  3. So transparent and heartwarming! We all have them...and especially those of body images....we need to learn to love ourselves and remember that God made us exactly the way we are! :)

  4. You have nothing to fear anymore. Maybe this post only has four comments right now, but all of us are behind you.

    I often make a lot of promises to myself and resolutions that end up no where. But if I make that promise and tell someone else, not even necessarily someone close, I find myself sticking to it. If I break a promise to myself, no one will know. If I break a promise I made to someone else I can't let them or myself down.

    You've made the commitment public and we're here to help.

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