I dont really know what I want to write today just figured I should since I haven't written in a while i have been off for the past week, I dont really like being off sure its good for rest-which I really needed, but it just means being lonely i do have my car but not enough money to buy petrol to go anywhere but i go back to work tomorrow and i am looking forward to that also being off gives you too much time to think, think about things that really dont deserve to be thought about all that much. I found myself getting irratated easily, probably a result of sitting alone in my house by myself. No wonder old people are so grumpy. I guess I have been asking a lot lately if this time in my life will ever end? will my life ever feel full and right and settled? will i ever have a good life? but then I stop and think what am I on about? NO ONE has that life. NO ONE. I think that you just get older and more aware that life is painfully not what you want it to be, because we weren't made for here. I want someone to want to know me, I think I am worth knowing, I think I have a lot to offer someone...anyone. I was watching something today and the person said...you know how when there is someone around and you just feel their love for you. You know, its just unspoken, unconditional, permanant. Yeah I know what she meant. I actually thought about that when I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day. That she wants to talk to me every week...she can't wait...because she loves me. She thinks I'm funny, she wants to know my drama...because she loves me. Thats what family is I suppose, and that goes for all my family...not just her. There are those people in my life...but they all seem so very far away right now. I have also been thinking lately about heaven and about Jesus return. Sometimes I feel like a bad Christiain or something because I really can not wait to get out of here. Whenever I talk about this with people they say-I quite like life, or I still have so many people to talk to Jesus about. Well get on with it then and lets go. I guess, ya I know people still need to know about Him, but HIM Jesus Himself coming!! That beats everything. Or people say-I still havent experienced or done everything I want to...who cares?! Nothing is going to better than heaven and being in Jesus presence. Our view of this is somehow all wrong. I can feel more and more how much I groan for Jesus and wholeness. See how creation groans. So many questions, so much pain...why wouldn't I want to be there now. I suppose things may change in the next 10 years. When I (hopefully) have a husband and kids and whatnot-things to tie me to this earth...but right now, I'm ready. You see when we are with Jesus he will be everything that we have ever longed for. Everything. People think heaven will be so boring, especially if all we do is worship all the time...but see,if we were created to worship wont we fill so fulfilled to be doing the thing we were created to do. Maybe that will be expressed in so many ways, in as many different ways as we have been created. And to laugh, laugh so hard it hurts..all the time. To have that feeling that you felt when it was Christmas eve and you were 5 and Santa was as real as your dad and you were so excited to see what he brought you, or watching a sunset over the ocean, or watching your favorite team win the biggest game of the year-feeling that all the time. My friend Brittany and I have made a plan-that we will be amazing singers when we get to heaven. we are going to put on a show for Jesus and He will come watch us and love every minute of it. But the thing I am most excited about is being with Jesus...because I won't feel like I am missing anything...i really will be whole. And lets face it-Hes the perfect man. I dont know exactly what it will be like...but I know it will be wonderful and that is why I cant wait till it happens. And also-have you ever thought about the fact that what we go through here could be preparing us for what we will be or do in heaven. Me personally, I hope that with all this fighting I am learning to do-that I will be on the back of a white horse behind Jesus coming to kick the Enemys ass for good. Sometimes, well -a lot of times...I'm just tired of fighting...but if I have learned anything I have to keep fighting...keep telling myself the truth. That God is good, what He does is good, and I can trust Him even when things dont make sense. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. We say we are people of faith we say we are "Believers" when am I going to live up to that name....my God is who He says He is!
, by Ashley Jackson